Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
