Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
