OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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