Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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