if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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