stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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