I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
