I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
