Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
