It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
