peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
