so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
