My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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