If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize