So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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