I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
