My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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