You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
