Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
