we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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