so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
