I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
