he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
