i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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