Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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