After last night, I could never be a politician.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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