so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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