This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
