I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
