I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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