Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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