This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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