This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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