Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
