apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
