i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
