Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
