I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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