I wish I could teleport
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
