My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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