It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
