Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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