Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
