This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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