I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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