my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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