I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize