You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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