take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
