he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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