fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
