I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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