I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
