Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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