Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
