..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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