Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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