Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize