Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm always down for nudity.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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