I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
