I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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