my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
