I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
