Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
