I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
