I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
