Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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