Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
