that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
